A Modest Business Proposal

4:09 PM Mar 23, 2007by Rob Ritchie

There has been a lot of talk recently about carbon offsets, a proposed mechanism whereby folks who cannot reduce their CO2 emissions can purchase shares in green organizations, who will reduce on their behalf.

It seems to me that this mechanism can only be of limited utility, because the behaviors of the green companies with carbon to sell can only do so much. Tree planting efforts, while laudable, result in increased water usage and the reduced availability of land cultivation; and other efforts are similarly green-ambiguous.

CO2 emissions are manifestly a problem of the developed / developing world; folks who live in impoverished, undeveloped countries do not have the “carbon footprint” of someone living in a wealthy Western nation, and they never will.

Much of the West’s goodwill is directed toward lifting these unfortunates out of poverty and helping them to enjoy the same high lifestyle that the West itself enjoys. However, this causes a problem: if these people are successfully raised out of poverty to become members of a modern industrial society, by necessity their carbon footprint will increase, thus causing the planet to burn up even faster because of Glourbal Worming. The humanitarian efforts of many to improve the lot of the world’s poor is in direct opposition with efforts to halt the increase in worldwide CO2 emissions.

Therefore I propose to start a company that will trade on the Green Stock Exchange; we shall sell shares, and use the proceeds to help prevent an increase in the global carbon footprint by hindering efforts to improve the material lot of poverty-stricken foreigners (“carbon targets”). These people will be encouraged to retain their reduced circumstances so as to not add to the planet’s carbon burden. In this way, an individual who purchases one of our offsets is truly purchasing the carbon emissions of another person, a person who, due to the efforts of our new company, will be prohibited from emitting carbon from any advanced, technological source.

If our carbon targets are allowed to increase their carbon footprints, company stock will be devalued and market share decreased. It is imperative that purchasers of our carbon offsets know that someone, somewhere, is suffering on their behalf. Thus, company funds will not be paid directly to our “carbon targets” because studies have shown that impoverished people often use money to buy cars or otherwise improve their lot in ways that are not carbon neutral. Instead, company resources will be directed towards sustenance and security efforts, to provide food to the poor so as to maintain (and perhaps increase) our stock of potential carbon targets, while ensuring that no unacceptable carbon upgrades occur within their lives. This “Buns and Guns” plan will ensure long-range viability for our new company.

We foresee a time when the worldwide supply of carbon targets will drop below the demand; under those circumstances, it may be possible to create entire new populations for exploitation through the application of “Bomb-Them-To-The-Stone-Age” technologies. These technologies are not currently available to private corporations, but it is hoped that future lobbying efforts will result in successful partnering with the necessary state agencies, resulting in new areas of corporate growth.

Anyway, that’s my business proposal. I’m accepting seed capital right now, so if you wish to participate, send a check or money order. (US Currency only , please.)

5:50 PM Sep 14, 2005

by Rob Ritchie

Iowahawk has a special message for the progressive, reality-based blogger community.

Two weeks ago, millions of Americans watched in horror as the city of New Orleans was savaged by the relentless, pollution-fueled fury of Hurricane Katrina. Later, we witnessed the human rights atrocity as George Bush's incompetent racist henchmen dynamited the levees, unleashing a tidal wave of contaminated Halliburton turdwater which forced thousands of our fellow citizens to flee into the dank slave ship-like bowels of the Superdome.

Now, as the floodwaters recede, the survivors of Bush/Katrina face an even greater danger: the danger of complacency. Even as you read this, Chimpy's pals in FEMA and the Red Cross are buying off evacuees with food and cheap blankets and debit cards, slowly robbing the survivors of God's most precious gift -- the gift of focused political rage.

Won't you help?

2:27 PM Jun 8, 2005

by Rob Ritchie

Dean: Dem Poll Workers Can't Tell GOP Voters Apart

A spokesman for the DNC later clarified the comments, noting that, "Chairman Dean intended his offensive remarks to be heard only by party loyalists, not the general public."

5:48 PM Apr 12, 2005

by Rob Ritchie

Beware the Unitarian Jihad!

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression!

Pious gratitude to: LynnS

Iowahawk's Latest Find

11:39 AM Dec 10, 2004by Rob Ritchie

Experts Tell CBS: Time to Clean Up the Blog Industry

First Amendment attorney Kevin Goldberg called blogs “definitely new territory.”

“Are blogs analogous to a sole person, or are they a media publication?” said Goldberg, a legal counsel to the American Society of Newspaper Editors. "Whatever the courts decide, it is critical that we consider all those sweet billable hours."

Sorry, sports fans...

4:55 PM Oct 21, 2004by Rob Ritchie

Curse Continues as NY State Supremes Overturn Red Sox v. Yankees

New York - Boston's ALCS victory celebration proved short-lived last night, as a hastily-assembled New York State Supreme Court ruled 9-0 to overturn the Red Sox historic come-from-behind win over the Yankees.

The dramatic ruling, issued at 4:52 AM, noted that while losing the series 4 games to 3 the Yankees had actually outscored Boston 45 - 41, and that a Red Sox berth in the World Series would constitute "widespread disenfranchisement of the higher scoring, and clearly more popular, team."

10:23 PM Oct 6, 2004

by Rob Ritchie

Kerry apparently leads Bush in pre-debate poll

The CNN/USA Today/Gallup poll shows that among fradulently registered voters, Kerry was the choice of 92 percent, while Bush was the choice of 5 percent and independent Ralph Nader garnered 3 percent. That result was within the poll's margin of error of plus or minus 4 percentage points.

In the broader category of uninformed voters, 83 percent supported Kerry; 10 percent, Bush; and 7 percent, Nader. That question had with the same margin of error.

More information here.

Kerry to Troops: "You Suck"

6:40 PM Sep 22, 2004by Rob Ritchie

"It's time for America to decide whether they want a leader who smiles all the time and tells us 'our best days are ahead of us' just to stay in power, or one who will happily take a huge crap on national morale just to get into the White House," Kerry told reporters while riding atop a caravan of flag-draped coffins. "If you want a president who isn't afraid to lose a war in order to win the peace, then I'm John Kerry, reporting for duty."

Pious gratitude to: Florida Cracker